As I look out of my window gazing at the city skyline I start to wonder, I wonder what every single person in this city is doing right now.

Are they just getting home from a long day at the office? Are they settling down and getting ready for bed? Hitting the gym? Relaxing with loved ones? Arguing? Making love?

I sit on the end of my bed, typing on my laptop and watching Sex in the City, very cliché right, a young woman watching sex in the city alone, in bed, who would have thought?

And then I start to think about my own love life, I have gone through my entire dating life in long-term relationships and I have never questioned why.

At 24 years old, I am thinking about settling down (again) and I’m a bit scared, to say the least. I have lived with two of my previous boyfriends and well, both didn’t end fantastically well. The first man I lived with had some major mummy issues and it had sent him into a crazy downward spiral in which I was caught up in, and so, I moved back with my parents.

The second, well, the second was my fault, I had moved in with my boyfriend, yes, my current boyfriend and it was fantastic, it felt like we had been waiting for that moment for years (which we had) and finally we had a place of our own and it was magical. As time went on I realised that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, I was alone most of the day as I was a student at the time and both me and my partner had different social schedules – meaning I went out almost every night…

I remember thinking that I was too young to ‘settle down’ and that my head was full of crazy ideas that couldn’t possibly be fulfilled by being stagnant, I needed to be ‘free’. I can tell you right now, I was so very wrong and that idea more or less ruined me.

I still think to this day that it was one of the worst ideas I ever had, but then I think of the life lessons and the experiences I have had since then. After the break-up, I lived alone in my own little studio flat, which was great until I had to balance the stress of university with the stress of working full-time at a retail store. It’s safe to say that I had multiple anxiety attacks and several nervous break downs (one ended with a phone call to my mum telling her to call an ambulance). Look, don’t get me wrong I had men that were ‘interested’ in me and I always gave them a chance, we hung out, got drunk, the usual. But in the end, who did I want to talk to? Who did I want to come over and give me a hug and tell me everything was going to be ok? The person I had just broken up with, what a selfish bitch I was, right?

Sometimes these experiences make a relationship stronger, a kind of ‘make or break’ time out if you will. In this case, when we eventually got back together it was a bit of both, it was nice to finally have the reassurance of being a couple again but I knew there was also an unspoken hatred towards me for the break-up. This hatred didn’t just come from my boyfriend, it came from me as well, I knew that he would have trouble trusting me again and I knew that I had been a complete and utter bitch to him so of course, I questioned why he had taken me back at all, if I am honest, I still do. 

So now, I live with my mum and he lives with his friends, I always feel like he got the better end of the deal because well, I didn’t have a lot of choice at the time as I was penniless, oh wait, I still am…cough, but I do live rent free I guess??

I feel that now the relationship ‘power’ has definitely shifted, I used to be the bossy one, the one who would tell her boyfriend how she wanted it, where she wanted to go for lunch, what she wanted etc. Now, I guess that has been knocked out of me, I don’t feel like I can be that bossy, obnoxious girl anymore because that girl was the one who drove everyone away.

And I mean I guess I repressed those feelings, I like being in control and I’m not…I am not the dominant one anymore. Should women have the power? Is it all about the power play? You tell me.